Logical consequences: a useful tool if used correctly

A while ago, I had yelled at my son, who was 1.5 years old at the time, because he was taking the soil out of the pots in the living room to play, and of course, while I was yelling at him, he looked at me with a blank look as if he was saying to himself: ‘she must have come from Mars’. Apart from the fact that I hated myself for yelling hysterically, it wasn’t even effective, because he didn’t stop doing it. But that look had made me think that.. it can’t be done.. there must be another way.

And lo! I had finally found him!

I had an excitement as if I had discovered a well-hidden secret! It seemed logical, and it ruled out any kind of domineering behavior like the ones I was used to as a child. I started putting it into practice that same day. I think that since that day, I haven’t had to yell at my son again, nor at my daughter who came 6 months later.

My tolerance level for typical childish behavior is admittedly quite lower than the average parent, which has helped me a lot in dealing with my sweet little angels when they misbehave, but still, I don’t think I could have managed it so painlessly without the “consequences.”

It’s not that I don’t get angry and become a volcano sometimes with their behavior, it’s just that, in every difficulty I encounter, I remain calm, and instead of exploding, I think: now what is the appropriate consequence?

Let’s be a little more specific.

Do they eat at the TV table and it gets full of crumbs or do they ‘forget’ to clean up their plate afterwards? No problem! If they don’t clean up the mess they make there, they simply can’t eat at the TV table.

Do they play in the living room, making it look like a playground? No problem! Since they don’t remove their toys from the living room, they can’t play there.

Do they disturb people at the supermarket? No problem! Next time I’ll arrange to go alone, without the kids.

With one thing and another, “No Problem!” became a way of life for all of us.

At first, of course, there were setbacks, which made me go back over and over again to what I had originally read to check if I was doing it right. And there was always room for improvement! Because using consequences is a fantastic habit when raising young children, but to be effective, it requires a lot of attention.

The golden mean between success and failure was hidden in my way. I had to speak sweetly and without the slightest hint of tension every time, in the most zen tone I could manage. My words had to communicate to the child that he was in control of solving the problem, and not that he had to do what I told him. That’s right.

Let’s say: ‘I’m sorry, honey, but since you don’t clean up after dinner, you can’t bring your plate to the TV table.’ ‘You can try again tomorrow.’

(If he’s aggressive on the playground) ‘Honey, we don’t hit, it hurts! Since you don’t feel like playing today, we’ll go home. We can come again tomorrow.’

(If he’s making too much noise) ‘Honey, you’re making too much noise and it’s very annoying, come and let’s go to your room for a while. When you’re ready to play quietly, we can go back to the living room.’

And I continue my work without further comment. In the reactions, which are sometimes intense, I remain calm and wait for the storm to pass. I either give my child a tight hug, or I turn it into a joke and try to make him burst out laughing if the situation calls for it.

Experience so far has shown me that if a consequence I impose on my children is reasonable, then they accept it without reaction. To do this, one crucial thing is needed: the consequence must be directly related to the behavior. If I tell them that because they didn’t clean up, they won’t see a child’s play, no matter how much I consider it a consequence, the children will hear it as punishment. They respond to the consequences, they resist the punishment and rebel!

Of course, there are times when there is no suitable consequence, and then you just move on. Or there is a question of safety and there the consequences have no effect. I will not let my child play in the street with the risk of being hit by a car! (the natural consequence of playing in the street).

Oh! And one more thing: consequences are not permanent. Children should always have the opportunity to try again, after all, that’s how they are trained to do the right thing. If they start picking up their plates every time, why not eat at the TV table?