12 December 2023
When the child refuses to dress himself
Reading time 3'
Dressing is a skill that we should help our children acquire by taking some time to encourage them to try it out. In the afternoon or on the weekend when we have time at home, we can take out some clothes and try them on as part of a game. The child needs practice in knowing which side to put on clothes, how to close buttons and zippers, etc.
When a child has reached an age where they can begin to learn how to dress themselves, it is time to encourage them to do it on their own, and slowly remove this obligation from us. Many parents, if they encounter resistance from the child, continue to serve their children long after they are ready to dress themselves. However, this is neither helpful for children, nor does it adequately prepare them with courage and self-confidence for later adult life.
The truth is that children like to be cared for, and they may find it difficult to give up this care, even when their developmental stage allows it. They may perceive the care in their clothing as a sign of love, and worry that if they try to dress themselves, they will lose it. But because children do not know in advance that after each new skill they acquire, an incredible satisfaction follows that they can do it on their own, we must help them overcome the fear of losing care and move to the stage of autonomy. By insisting on their autonomy, we strengthen their self-confidence and help them understand that with their own abilities alone, they can overcome any obstacle. This lesson, for every child, is invaluable, for their entire life.
So how can we achieve this?
Without pressure of course, whining, insults towards the child and other techniques that we often employ when we are in despair.
We can just start by telling the child two or three simple things about how we dress.
(e.g. we want the clothing tag to be on the back, that the shoes don’t fit both feet, etc.) and let the child try. We can also do it as a game, a technique that almost always finds a response with every child. In this way, we entertain the child and at the same time teach him an important new skill essentially by playing.
Some words of encouragement are necessary at the beginning.
‘I’m glad you’re trying.’ ‘You put the front of the shirt on really well.’ Did you put it on wrong? ‘Try again, you’ll get it.’ And so on. Until he learns, the child may get frustrated that he can’t do it and start crying or give up. After all, it’s the first time he’s trying to dress himself and he won’t succeed the first time. If he needs help, we offer it of course, and the next time he has to dress himself, we encourage him to try again on his own. This will happen many times and we need to be patient without trying to rush the process. There’s no point.
If after some time we understand that the child can easily dress himself and resists, then it’s time to apply gentle pressure to encourage him to become fully independent. Again, pressure should not be in the form of pleading, comparisons with siblings, insulting the child, or anything else that will bring about the opposite results. Pressure on children, after all, usually brings about the opposite results from what we want.
So what can we do?
We can simply step away and let the child dress himself. A good opportunity is to do it before going out to the playground or somewhere he really wants to go, and not before school when he must get dressed quickly. So make sure you have time at your disposal. When he asks you to dress him, offer him your help generously, because if you refuse, he may feel rejected. Next time, try again, creating the expectation that he will dress himself. Tell him that when he is ready you will leave immediately for the playground. He is very likely to get dressed, even with his shirt turned back or his shoes upside down. And when he does, you will see him coming towards you with a big smile and an obvious sense of satisfaction on his face! This is the moment of your own triumph: his own triumph! Praise ‘Wow, look at a child who dresses himself!’
‘Did you see what you did?! Let’s go quickly, they’re waiting for us!’
The first few times, it’s best not to criticize clothes that have been worn incorrectly. If you have to say something, you can simply point it out: ‘Your shoes are on backwards but if they fit, that’s fine.’ Soon he’ll understand that it’s more comfortable to wear them right and he’ll always put them on correctly.