11 December 2023
The innocent lies we tell our children are not so innocent after all
Reading time 2,5'
‘We’re not going to the supermarket today, honey, it’s closed.’ And let it be Monday afternoon.
‘Our pediatrician has bought you a toy and is waiting for us to go and give it to you.’ And let it be that we have bought it so that the pediatrician can give it to you.
‘The cookies are gone, there are no more.’ And let our shelves be full.
These are the white lies we tell our children from time to time, thinking that this is easier to deal with. Some of us may do it on a daily basis, resorting to this tactic because we can’t think of a better one, or because we’re just used to it. Or maybe, because that’s how we grew up… with ‘white’ lies.
Pause and think about the following for a moment. A dear friend of yours happened to lie to you about something, and that’s how things came to you that you realized they were lies. When you realized it, how did you feel at that moment? Maybe a bit betrayed? Maybe you thought that maybe he thinks you’re stupid or naive, otherwise why would he lie to you? Or maybe you felt that he doesn’t care about you that much, or that he doesn’t respect you as much as you would like. Instantly, it crosses your mind that ‘that’s not how friends are’ and that if they really cared, they would be honest, even if the truth didn’t suit them. These thoughts fill you with concern, and rightly so, you feel a little distant from your loved one. You feel a little more of a stranger towards them.
Now imagine that you heard the lie from your main guide in life, the one you rely on for your safety, for your physical and mental integrity: your parent. And also remember that children experience emotions 10 times more intensely than we adults. So how do our children feel when we lie to them?
For children, up to a certain age before puberty, we are gods. Our word is law and from the position of power we hold, we guide our children in perceiving reality and the world around them. But when we lie, even if a child cannot confirm that what we are telling them is a lie, they can still sense it (even young children who cannot understand the meaning of a lie until they are 3-4).
But if the child realizes that we are lying to him, because somehow the truth has been revealed, he is inevitably led to question not only the person who lied to him but also himself. He realizes that he cannot blindly trust the person he relies on for everything, and something inside him is shaken. His self-confidence, like ours when we realize that a friend has lied to us, has received a hard blow.
We can easily overcome it, moreover, if we discuss it with our friend and understand his side, we may even forgive him and strengthen our relationship with him. We know that everyone can resort to a lie at some point and we recognize that a lie can be told in a moment of weakness.
But the child does not know all this. All he knows is that we have lied to him.
So where can a lie we told our child lead?
We may have lied to him about the cookies. But he will wonder, ‘Is he lying to me about loving me?’ Think about it for a moment. The child cannot separate one from the other. If we lie about one thing, he thinks we can lie about anything else. These generalizations and doubts are a blow to the child.
The child is also taught that lying is acceptable and something we can resort to when it suits us. From the age when he starts using this tactic – and children are crazy about lying for various reasons – there will be no limit to how much he will use it, after all, if the parent does it, why shouldn’t he do it too? It’s a matter of imitation and role model.
A loving relationship must be based on honesty and trust. When a difficulty arises, research shows that children tend to turn to the adult who is most consistent and straightforward in what they have said to the child, to the one who has dealt with the child with the greatest honesty.
Common sense you might say..
Lies may save us from trouble with our children, but their effect is momentary. In the long run, they can only harm our relationship with our children and undermine their very sense of self-worth.