3 December 2023
When a child speaks badly to us [by age]
Reading time 6'
Our children are the sweetest little angels in the world…until the moment they open their mouths and say something that will leave us completely speechless! And we will think in shock and indignation: how could they say something so ugly? Where have they heard that before? Where does such evil come from? And so on.
Unfortunately, aggressive speech can be used by children of all ages, even toddlers! So what do we as parents do to train our children to speak correctly, with respect and sensitivity to the feelings of others? Let’s look at some data, some reasons why this may be happening, and tactics to deal with it.
The innocent curses of little children
A toddler is likely to blurt out a curse word they heard, more for the sake of being impressed than to criticize someone or a situation. Young children love to get attention, and bad words are one of the few things that get adults’ attention so immediately and definitely. If they haven’t heard the bad word at home, they may have heard it in their surroundings – but what is certain is that sooner or later, they will hear many such words, we cannot prevent this.
Because at a young age, it is most likely that they will not even know what the bad word means, we can react to our child’s verbal misbehavior in two ways:
- To completely ignore what we heard
- Ask the child what exactly he means by what he says (if he doesn’t know) by putting him in a position he doesn’t want to be in. ‘What was that word you said? I don’t understand. What does it mean?’
It goes without saying that if we don’t want our child to utter bad words, we should be careful not to say them ourselves. Let’s not forget that for our children, we are a living example and they will follow much more easily what we do than what we tell them with words. Actions are always better imitated in children than words.
The verbal attack of an indignant toddler
However, even if we speak in the most beautiful way everywhere and always, our child can start using bad words, telling us things we don’t want to hear and challenging us in his own way. Already from the age of 3, a child can say to us, for example, ‘I don’t love you’ or ‘you’re bad’ or ‘I hate you’ or similar phrases, without of course meaning them literally, but trying to express his indignation with a situation. Usually, a small child can say something similar when we don’t do him a favor in something he asked us for, or because he was disappointed with something that happened and attributes it to us. He can even kick us, bite us or hit us for the same reason, using phrases that hurt because he doesn’t yet have the ability to verbally express himself to tell us exactly what he wants.
In this case, the best thing we can do is to share the child’s frustration and acknowledge it: “I understand that you were disappointed that we didn’t get the toy you wanted.” And move on. Simply acknowledging our child’s feelings can significantly ease the situation, and even solve the problem on the spot! (If he pushes us with force, of course, we should hold his hands firmly so that he stops, looking him in the eye and speaking to him politely).
When the child has calmed down and is in a good mood, it is good to recall the scene, not necessarily the same day but relatively soon, and tell him, for example, that “I understand that you were angry before. But we always speak respectfully to each other.’ This way, he will understand that his negative behavior towards us does not go unnoticed, but also that we were interested in discussing it with him in an effort to restore a good relationship with him. This is an invaluable lesson in relationship management that the child can follow throughout his life.
In general, when a toddler displays aggressive behavior, whatever it may be, it is a sign that he needs encouragement and guidance.
When children knowingly hurt us
As a child grows up, he or she may start to become quite aggressive in his or her speech, even cynical towards us. He or she may use phrases that knowingly hurt us, mock us, expose us in public, etc. This can only be destructive to our relationship and it is good to take some steps to manage it before it becomes the rule (not that if it becomes the rule, the problem is no longer unsolvable, it just may be a little more difficult to solve – there is always a way to solve a problem!)
Usually, this behavior has deeper causes: the child is struggling with something and is trying to use his or her behavior to vent or get revenge on us (if his or her anger is due to something we did or are doing). To find out what this something is, we must first recognize that our child’s bad behavior rings a bell that we should not ignore. It is a call for help, although it is very well camouflaged. Here too, the child needs encouragement, but to offer it successfully, it will help us a lot to know what is the cause of his discomfort.
If something has recently changed in the family’s reality, such as a divorce, a move, the arrival of a brother or sister, we can more easily wonder why our child is struggling and ask him directly how he feels about it.
However, if there is no clear reason, we should try to approach the child to find out the reason why he is verbally lashing out at us. So when the child is calm and receptive to listening, we can open the conversation with something as simple as ‘how was your day?’ ‘did anything happen today that you liked?’ ‘did anything happen today that you didn’t like?’ How are you feeling about today?’ Thus giving him the trigger with the last question to give us some information about what is on his mind. If the child has nothing to contribute, we can continue the conversation by telling him how our day was, what we liked and what we didn’t like (leaving out anything we didn’t like if it was related to the child – it’s good to avoid criticism here). We should be ready to listen to what the child has to say and not monopolize the conversation if he starts talking to us. The goal here is to listen and learn from the child. The reason may simply be that he feels neglected or that we are not respecting his needs (e.g. for independence).
After an initial attempt to approach our child’s perspective, it is very important to give the child as much attention as possible in the following period. If he feels neglected or hurt or limited, he may take all his tension out on us in the way he speaks. Positive attention to all the difficulties we face with our children can go a long way. The friendly conversation above is an example of positive attention, and is aimed at exploring what the problem the child is facing, but there is much more we can do, such as giving the child a surprise when he is not expecting it, asking his opinion on something, asking for his help with something, taking a walk together (without the rest of the family members), giving him a compliment, mentioning something he did well that we noticed, and much more.
Whatever we do, let’s keep in the back of our minds that nothing will change overnight. Such changes in behavior take time. The child needs to feel better and be deeply convinced either that what he sees now as a problem is not in reality, or that there is a solution and he will find it, with our support.
That’s why we shouldn’t lose our courage or faith in our child if the whole process takes time. With patience and persistence, at some point we will see that the child will start to respond and behave better towards us and those around him.
Verbal aggression from our (older) children and adults
Older children often use swear words or insults to express their anger. At the moment they are angry, there is little we can do, because they are not in a position to discuss. A few-word boundary might be:
“I see you are very angry. We will discuss this later.” And leave the conversation.
or
“Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Honey, I see how angry you are. And we always speak to each other with respect. I do not speak to you with swear words. I am here to discuss it whenever you want.”
We do not enter into the conversation in the moment, but it is important to remember it later and go to the child to open the conversation.
“It was difficult before that…” And to listen to what he has to say. It is important to make the move to restore the relationship with the child and give him the opportunity to be heard. For him to feel that we understand. This will gradually help him stop verbal attacks.
In closing, we will mention here another strategy for dealing with bad verbal behavior that is valid not only in parent-child relationships but in all human relationships.
No person deserves to be treated badly. Therefore, in any verbal attack, it is important to stop the perpetrator by telling him clearly, in a civilized and mild tone that what he is saying is offensive and we do not accept it. If he continues, we should withdraw from the field of action so that he understands that when he becomes aggressive, he cannot communicate or have any effect on us, such as hurting us, controlling us, etc.
The logical consequence therefore – if we can attribute a consequence to aggressive verbal behavior – is that whatever the content of what is said, it will not be listened to. It will not even be taken into account unless it is expressed again with respect and courtesy.