11 December 2023
Misbehavior: Show your child affection, when they deserve it the least
When a child misbehaves, there is usually a deeper need that is not being met or some difficult feelings that the child has not been able to manage.
Children need to know that their parents love them, care for them and care about their happiness; to feel that they are worthy, that they contribute to the life of the family, that they are appreciated; to know that they are acceptable even with their jealousy, anger, or greed; to have a warm relationship with each parent and to spend quality time together; to effectively manage their difficult feelings, to perfect their skills and to have a positive impact on the world.
They are not aware that they have all of these needs of course, and they certainly cannot express them verbally, but when these needs are not met, children do not thrive. They seem dissatisfied, they are difficult, they show that they are upset or angry at everything. It seems as if nothing satisfies them, no matter how big it is. They ask for more screens, more treats, more toys. However, these cannot meet their needs, they can only offer them temporary relief, easing the tension for a very short time.
Fortunately, we can always know if our children are struggling or if a need is not being met: through problematic behavior. When a child despises us, provokes us or ignores us completely, when he reacts strongly as soon as we deny him something he wants and displays uncontrollable anger, crying or aggression, if he hurts his sibling, then we know that he is not feeling well deep down in his soul. Misbehavior is a well-camouflaged cry for help.
Does this mean that this behavior should not upset us? No, quite the opposite. It is human to get angry and resentful when our children become defiant, but the way that we will choose to handle it, has the power, not only to ease our child’s pain or the fear that lies beneath their anger, but also to significantly reduce the chances that the bad behavior will continue in the future.
When a child’s needs, to feel loved, connected, and appreciated, are met, then they are much more cooperative and can handle their disappointment much more easily when we deny them various desires that they believe will make them happy. The things they ask for are not exactly needs, they are strategies to satisfy some of their needs. Some attention on our part, a warm affirmation of our love, can make them feel warmth them much more than a candy bar.
So, the next time you find yourself on the battlefield with your child and you are ready to explode in order to “restore the order”, instead of seeing your child as the enemy, instead of taking it personally and getting hurt, think that at that very moment your child is showing you that she is having a hard time with something and desperately needs your help. Show understanding and react with empathy, do the unexpected:
Take her in your arms and say: ‘I see that you are very angry.. It must be very difficult. I am here and I will be here whenever you need me, you are safe. I love you very much.’
In short, at the critical moment, take a deep breath, calm down as much as you can and gather all the empathy you have, to create a safe environment so that your child can feel the difficult emotions that are bothering her. Once she does, they will disappear. Over time, she will learn to self-regulate and manage her difficult emotions more quickly and easily without your help.
If she doesn’t get the chance to experience her difficult emotions, at their entirety, they will be pushed away in the emotional backpack, and will erupt later, causing additional problematic behavior. The more she has the opportunity to experience and overcome her difficult emotions, the better she will feel and behave. So, show your love in the moments when your children deserve it the least, and let them impress you.