12 December 2023
Punishment as a method of discipline is not effective: What else can we do?
Reading time 8'
A little boy was playing with the soil in the living room pots and once again, the soil had spread all over the floor. ‘I can’t believe I’m seeing soil on the floor AGAIN! How many times have I told you? I can’t keep picking up! Don’t you understand? Go to your room NOW and think about what you did and come back only when you’ve thought it through!’
says the mother, and she has thought about it a little herself, because in addition to imposing isolation on her child with her own will, she forces him to think about things that she herself would not want her child to think (more below).
Punishment, while it can only bring temporary results and not always, generally does not work. No amount of punishment can bring about submission that lasts over time. When the same punishment is repeated over and over, it should be obvious that it is not effective. In fact, the more mom and dad punish, the more the child finds ways to retaliate. And every parent knows how inventive children can be in such matters…
Perhaps the most dangerous message a child who is punished can receive is that someone who loves you has the right to cause you pain. For obvious reasons, we don’t want them to reach adulthood carrying this belief that will make them susceptible to harmful relationships and abuse.
Let's see what types of punishment we use and what other methods we can replace it with.
Much gentler methods, but also effective, much easier for the child and for the parent.
Let’s start with the two worst types, physical and verbal violence.
Physical violence
According to the latest data in child psychology, physical violence as punishment is not recommended as a method of discipline. It hurts the child deeply and makes him lose his dignity, but there is little dignity left in the parent after he has finished his ‘job’. There are many other things we can do before raising a hand against the ch
Verbal violence
‘You’re a bad child!’ ‘It’s your fault that I’m always tired!’ ‘You’re embarrassing me in front of everyone!’ …and all this with shouts. Verbal violence can be even more destructive than physical violence, because it is a direct attack on the child’s soul. It hurts the child deeply and makes them lose their dignity, humiliates them and makes them reconsider their personal value. No child is unworthy and no child is to blame for all our suffering. Verbal violence does not offer us much more than damaging our relationship with the child and destroying their self-confidence.
Here it is important to emphasize that we must always separate the act from the person who did the act. In other words, if a child does something bad, the child is not bad, what they did is bad. Before we act in any way, it is necessary to make this distinction.
Isolation
Telling a child under 7 to go somewhere to think about what he did is inappropriate, because based on his developmental stage, he does not yet have the ability to make such reflections. At best, he will simply be patient, waiting for the time to pass and wondering why he is in the position he is in, and what caused him to be there. But even in an older child, forced isolation is unlikely to make him think about the things we want him to think about so that he can behave better next time. He will simply, hurt, wait for the time to pass with thoughts such as ‘I don’t deserve this, why is he doing this to me?’ ‘If he does this to me, it means he doesn’t love me’ ‘He’ll see what happens next time!’ and other related things that instead of bringing the child to his senses, simply make him vengeful. He will most likely retaliate later, driven by his need to ‘get even’ with the parent. Isolation therefore makes the child feel wronged, makes him vengeful, makes him think he is a bad child and feel bad about it, causes him distress and sadness, and undermines his self-confidence. Isolation is not a good method of discipline.
The threats
‘Put on your jacket now, or I’ll beat you!’ ‘Clean your room now, or you won’t have ice cream in the afternoon’ ‘Turn off the TV now, or you won’t watch children’s shows tomorrow!’ ‘Do your homework, or there’s no play later!’ And so on.
Many times, it seems logical to us to threaten our children with various unpleasant situations for them, in order to make them behave the way we want. However, threats usually come from our own need for relief and most of the time we don’t carry them out. Children understand this immediately and learn not to count on such hints. However, even if we keep our ‘promise’ and impose the punishment, we don’t achieve much more than making children look for the next way to fight back and get revenge on us for our attitude.
The deprivation of privileges
As part of punishment, we may deprive our child of something that is of great value to them, knowing that this will make them regret any misbehavior and hoping that they will behave better next time. Some examples are depriving a child of a weekend walk, or depriving them of playing in the neighborhood with their friends for a period of time that we believe will put the child ‘on the right track.’ As a method of punishment, depriving a child of privileges is not helpful, is unlikely to bring results, and may cause the child to engage in challenging behaviors during the period of deprivation.
The reprimand
When we scold our children for any reason by raising our voices and explaining why something they did was wrong and why they shouldn’t do it again, we mainly succeed in upsetting them, scaring them, making them feel unworthy, and as a result, hurting our relationship with them. Our voices can cause the child to cry, be sad, angry, rebellious, deny, and other related reactions and emotions. They can cause anything, except what we had in mind: changing behavior.
Instead of punishment
If we could say in one word the method by which we can replace any punishment, it is our own action. In short, we do not punish, we act, we act, showing the child what is the correct behavior that is required not by us, but by a specific situation.
An example from the everyday life of adults is that if we run a red light, we are very likely to crash. Obeying traffic lights when driving is an unwritten rule for all drivers that ensures everyone’s safety. The situation, and not some terrible bogeyman, forces everyone to comply with this rule, for the good of all. Of course, things are not so clear in all cases.
Let's see what we can do in the above cases to replace a method that does not bring lasting results over time and that makes our job as parents unimaginably difficult: punishment.
Physical and verbal violence are imposed when we intentionally want to hurt the child and if we happen to resort to these methods in a moment of weakness, it is good to simply recognize that we lost control and ‘escaped,’ that these are not appropriate forms of discipline and that we will do better next time. Under no circumstances should we believe that we resorted to these methods ‘for the good of the child.’ Also, as quickly as possible, we should apologize to the child and make it clear that we did not intend to cause him pain.
Regarding isolation, when the child has done something bad, not only should we not isolate him, but we must stand close to him, talk to him and make him feel better. Help him overcome the reason that led him to the bad behavior which is usually something much deeper than the obvious.
But the same goes for all other types of punishment. It is the parent’s job to approach the child and discover the real reason why the child misbehaved, but even if they fail to find out the reason, it is the parent’s role to support the child and start a dialogue with them to overcome any difficulty.
But what can he do instead of sending him to isolation? Or instead of depriving him of some important privilege, or scolding him? That depends on what the child did.
If he spills the soil from the pots, he should pick it up before doing anything else he wants to do, or, if he is a baby and cannot pick it up on his own, every time he approaches a pot we should push him away. Without shouting, threats or an angry tone. Without many words. Our action, pushing him away every time he approaches, sends the message that it is forbidden to tamper with the pots.
If while we are playing he throws his toys at the wall, we should stop the game and set a limit, saying for example ‘We don’t throw toys, honey. I know you want to see what happens, but they might break, or someone might get hurt. Come on, let me show you what you can throw safely.’ And we can give him pillows or stuffed animals to throw.
If he is making a mess with a noisy toy and it bothers us, after we have asked him to turn it down and he has not, we should simply remove the toy, saying: ‘This is making a lot of noise, my dear, and it is bothering me. I will take it for now and we will play with something else, okay?’ In any reaction of the child, we help him with his emotions and stay with him until he accepts that he cannot play with this toy.
If he is aggressive towards other children on the playground, we should take him away and go home. If we have already given a reminder or two and he continues to bark, we can say, ‘I’m sorry you don’t feel like being friendly with the other kids today, we’re going home now and you can try again tomorrow.’
If he is making a noise in the living room and is disturbing, we can go with the child to his room and say that he can’t make noise in the living room and that we will play something in his room. ‘We are making a lot of noise in the living room, my dear, we can’t play here. Let’s go inside and if you want to play quietly in the living room later, we’ll come back!’
The above examples of dealing with bad behavior do not constitute punishment. In a friendly tone, the parent educates the child on what is acceptable behavior, without even having to raise his voice. By treating children this way, we can have immediate results in changing their behavior and minimize the stress and distress that raising our children often causes us.
And since we are all children, let's look at an example from adult life.
Your boss comes into your office furious: ‘The article you wrote is completely off topic! It’s unacceptable! Don’t come to the meeting about the new issue tomorrow, there’s no point!’
And in another, slightly different case: ‘The article you wrote is off topic. We want something that’s like this and that, etc. I know you can do it. Try to fix it by the meeting tomorrow.’
Think about how you would feel in each case.
Now, consider what the effect of either case would be on your performance and your relationship with your boss.
Wouldn’t the first example discourage you and make you feel incompetent at your job? Wouldn’t it hurt your ego?