11 December 2023
Parents’ reactions to 6 popular scenarios with their toddler
Reading time 2,5'
The child is not wearing his jacket and is sulking at the entrance to the house.
1. You raise your voice and look like a wild beast:
‘PUT IT ON NOW or we’re going NOWHERE!!!!’ [VOICES, PUNISHMENT]
2. Come on, my love, put your jacket on, don’t bother me, I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! How many times do I have to say it? [PRESSURE, GUILT CREATION]
3. Okay, my love, whatever you want. But let’s take it together and if you get cold, you’ll tell me to give it to you, okay? [RESPONSIBILITY TO THE CHILD, ENCOURAGEMENT]
The child does not close the tablet.
1. You raise your voice again:
SHUT IT UP NOW, otherwise there’s no ice cream!!! [VOICES, PUNISHMENT]
2. You’ve been waiting too long, come on now, shut it down and I’ll give you ice cream. [BRIBERY]
3. It’s the same story every time! I’ve told you 100 times to finally shut it down! How many more times do I have to tell you? What have I done to make you suffer like this? [VOICES, GUILT CREATION]
4. Shut it down because I’m going to tell dad. [THREAT]
5. Time’s up, honey, shut it down now.
After 5 minutes:
I know it’s a lot of fun… but we have to shut it down now. Will you give it to me or shall I take it from you? [Emotional Boundary Setting]
If he doesn’t give it, you gently take it from his hands. [Logical Consequentialism]
Child hits another on the playground
1. You grab the child with a fury and in your anger you say to him:
Why did you do that now? You are a very bad child, you know that?; I never want to see you hit again!!! [VOICES, ‘BAD CHILD’ SIGNS, PUBLIC DEPRECIATION]
2. We have said it 100 times that we do not hit, what got into you now? You are humiliating me in front of everyone, don’t you understand? [CRITICISM, PUBLIC DEPRECIATION]
3. You take the child away from the stage and kneel down to get to his level:
My dear, I see that you got very angry and hit the other child, what happened that made you so angry? [RECOGNIZATION OF EMOTIONS]
He explains to you.
I understand that he took your toy, he shouldn’t have done it, but we don’t hit, it hurts. What else could you do instead of hitting? To get it back? [EMBRACING WITH EMPATHY, CHOICES]
And he gives you an idea. You give him some too. And then,
What could you do to calm the little boy you hit and now he’s crying?
If he tells you an idea, that’s fine. You can suggest one too, e.g.:
How about offering him your other toy for a while? Saying sorry to him? Think about it too. [ENCOURAGEMENT, RESPONSIBILITY TO THE CHILD]
Hug, kiss.
Come on, let’s go back again and I’m sure you’ll find the solution. [CHANGE TO TRY AGAIN, FAITH IN THE CHILD]
The child is not wearing his seat belt.
1.PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON NOW!! I MEAN IT!! [VOICES]
2.My love, please don’t bother me, we’re late and we’re going to be even late. Let’s get this over with!! We can’t go without wearing your seatbelt, it’s too dangerous! [NECESSARY LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS, VOICES]
3.From the driver’s seat you wait patiently and say:
As soon as you put your seatbelt on we’ll start. And you wait. [DEFINITION WITH LOGICAL CONSEQUENCE]
The child wants something from the checkout at the supermarket and gets hit to get it.
1. WE WON’T TAKE IT, WE SAID, DON’T MAKE ME DISGUSTING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE, COME HERE NOW!!! [YOU SPEAK, PUBLICLY CHEATING]
2. You turn as red as a beetroot and try to avoid everyone’s gaze.
3. Come on now, my love, since we said we wouldn’t take anything. Please! Okay, okay, just one and we’re off. [INITIALLY LIMIT, THEN CONCESSION]
To the child:
My love, I know you really wanted to take something but we won’t take anything today, I’m sorry. I know it’s hard… [LIMIT WITH EMPATHY]
You pay normally as if nothing is happening and despite everyone’s gazes, you move towards the exit, waiting for the child. [FAITH IN THE CHILD]
The child has overwhelmed you with 100 requests and won't leave you alone.
1. LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU’VE BEEN INSULTING ME SINCE THE MORNING! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! [VOICES, GUILT CREATION]
2. You satisfy him with everything the moment he asks for it. [OVERPROTECTION, PERMISSION]
3. Honey, I know you want to play / go for a walk / read a story to you / etc etc, and it’s hard to wait.. I know… but I’m doing an important task right now and I need at least 30 minutes. Look, I’ll set the clock to 30 and I’ll tell you if I’m done, okay? If you want, grab some paper and paints and come sit next to me, what do you say?
If he doesn’t want to draw and wants some ideas for what to do, brainstorm together. [SETTING A LIMIT WITH EMPATHY, OFFERING CHOICES]
Depending on the moment, we may have a variety of these reactions. We may at some point shout, we may be able to restrain ourselves and handle the situation differently. If we fail and need to shout, it is good, once we have calmed down, to apologize in order to make amends.
The last option in each scenario above is within the framework of positive discipline, which excludes disrespect for the child, therefore it is done without shouting, without punishment, without humiliation and bribes.
Positive discipline has been proven effective in encouraging children to cooperate with us without damaging our relationship and without long-term effects on their mental health.
So if it is possible to set a limit without shouting, then why shout? If the child can cooperate without threatening or bribing them, then why do it?