27 July 2025
How does a child feel when we constantly tell them what to do?
Reading time 3,5'
We often give orders to our children and tell them what to do. Do these phrases remind you of anything? “Pick up your toys,” “Go brush your teeth,” “Eat all your food,” “Don’t run, you’ll fall,” “Don’t do that.” And yet, we have all said them in our attempt to help our children learn.
However, some things that concern children, even from a very young age, can, and would be legitimate, be decided by themselves. It is important for the child to decide for himself what he can do, without us giving him orders, because in this way we help him gain self-discipline, faith in his abilities and experience in achieving more and more on his own. In this way, he will develop into a dynamic and responsible adult, with self-confidence, who is sure of his decisions.
It is up to us to judge what the child can decide for himself, depending on his age. For example, perhaps what to wear is a decision that we can leave to the child. Whether to hold his hand to cross the street, or the choice of school he will go to, however, is a decision of the parents. And so on.
But how does the child feel when we tell him what to do?
He feels he has no control over things that concern him.
If you constantly tell your child what to do, he feels like he has no choice and that his opinion is not being heard. He feels like he is a victim of circumstances and that he has very little control over his life. And this causes him unnecessary anxiety and does not help him develop a healthy self-image and believe in himself.
The child we tell what to do usually reacts at first, with strong outbursts and disobedience. If we do not stop this tendency of ours, and do not give meaning to his voice, or space for the development of his autonomy, we risk forcing him into submission. At a point, the child gives up and decides that it is better not to react to everything.
He may think he is not capable.
If your child has cleaned his room and you comment on the areas that were not cleaned well, giving him an order to clean them, then he will in turn feel that, despite all his efforts, he is not capable of doing it as well as mom or dad does. Therefore, he begins to not believe that he can do it on his own, and thus his self-esteem weakens.
He feels like he's doing everything wrong.
Over time, the child becomes strict with himself and thinks that since he did not do it the way others wanted, then it was all wrong. It is difficult, even for us adults, when we realize that an obligation we had was completely wrong. Therefore, think how much it can affect the child, who has not yet fully developed, not only the ability to manage these feelings of disappointment, but who has not even acquired the necessary skills to do something right!
The inner judge can start whispering in his ear from childhood and persist in adulthood.
Withdraws or gets angry more easily
When we always have something to say and what the child does is not enough, then it is logical that he does not have an appetite, or gets angry more easily. He keeps all these difficult feelings that he experiences when we judge him, and he explodes with anger, or avoids interacting.
We all tell our children what to do from time to time, and we will do it throughout their childhood. Where this becomes problematic is in the constant communication with commands and criticism. In the excessive control of the child, without giving any room for flexibility.
But remember that you want to help your child be independent and autonomous. You want him to listen to himself, to be confident in his decisions, and not to wait for others to motivate him. In order for all this to happen, it is important to help him manage to decide for his life, from an early age. In what he can