11 December 2023
How to say ‘no’ to a child without… overreacting
Reading time 4'
Here's a word that children love, as long as we don't say it to them! Because when this happens and we tell them - alas - 'no' to something they ask of us, the usual reactions are shouting, crying, whining, and even outbursts at people and objects.
The disappointment of a child when we say no to something he wants is so great that we often try to avoid it as much as possible.. because we know what consequences it can have, and sometimes we are simply tired and refuse to face them.
But is it possible to never say no? Within the framework of friendly education, we must set certain limits in order to teach the child what the standards of acceptable behavior are and how he can survive harmoniously in society.
So let’s see how we can deny a child something, with the smallest possible consequences for us, but also for the child.
How to say no to a child
The easiest way to say no to a child is to simply say.. ‘no.’ Clearly, without much talk and without giving room for discussion. Those who have young children know well that they often have.. donkey’s patience. They are capable of asking for something 100 times in the hope of achieving what they want. Sometimes we give in to their demands just to get rid of them and avoid whining. However, the more firm we are when we say no, and the more we help our child to accept this no, the more the child knows that no means no to us.
Of course, we should think carefully before saying no. It is pointless to say no to everything and it is not always necessary. Too many ‘no’s’ get tiring and are not respected after a while. But when there is a serious reason not to allow something to the child, then we should be clear and remain firm in our position.
When the child tries to open the conversation to change our mind, we should help him understand that we are unmoved, recognizing his own difficulty and disappointment. After explaining the main reason we said no, we can put ourselves in his shoes a little, understand his side, and speak to the child with empathy about why he wants what he wants so much.
If the child overreacts and shouts or threatens us with something, we simply continue with words of empathy. In a short time, the child will accept it. If he knows that we do not change our minds easily, and that we help him with his feelings every time, he will learn to accept our ‘no’ much more easily and move on. This way, it will be much easier for us to say no when we need to.
If he is not used to it, the first few times it may be difficult, or his reactions may even become intense (throwing objects, hitting us, hitting a sibling, etc.). In this case, we stay close to him, move away or take from his hand any object he intends to throw, or hold his hands gently if he starts hitting us, or hitting others.
More than anything, the child wants his anger to be heard.
Let's look at two practical examples:
The flexible 'no' or the ineffective 'no'
- Mom! Dad! I want to eat chocolate.
- No, chocolate now, you ate breakfast and we’ll have food soon.
- But I’m not hungry, I just want chocolate. I don’t want to eat anything else.
- No, you’ll lose your appetite and then you won’t eat.
- But I told you, I don’t want to eat.
- We can’t not eat food and only eat chocolate.
- Why, since I like chocolate!
- I like chocolate too, but they have a lot of sugar.
- Can’t I eat even a little?
- We said no.
[After a while]
- Mom! I want to eat chocolate.
And again from the beginning.
[Finally, after a lot of whining]
- But can’t I just eat a little?
- Okay, eat a little and come sit down and eat.*
Or - No, you won’t eat chocolate now!
[Voices, crying, screaming, etc.]
*Even if we open the conversation, the worst thing we can do is give in at the end, because that way we give the child the impression that he can bend us to anything he wants as long as he insists long enough.