11 December 2023
Setting limits for our children in a friendly manner, without damaging our relationship with them
Reading time 3'
Our children need boundaries, without them they feel insecure and completely confused. But how do we set boundaries for our children? Without of course having to yell, punish or make our children feel bad?
Setting boundaries is not a simple matter. To do it correctly, without harming our children in any way or our relationship with them, an attitude is required on our part that shows our children what our boundaries are in every case, which are non-negotiable. All parents know that children test our boundaries incessantly, until they find where the golden line is. Once they find it, they know within what frameworks they can move so that their behavior is acceptable to their parents and they comply with the requirements of each situation.
So our attitude, when we as a child and parent find ourselves at the golden line, requires stability and emotional support. Our child may react strongly, rebel or become very upset and disappointed, but if we remain firm in our attitude, and help the child with his feelings of disappointment, he will understand that this is how things are and will accept it.
Every parent knows that if they try to impose their will on their children, they will resist. No one likes to be told what to do, and that goes for adults and children alike. So we can’t set limits by telling our children what to do and expecting them to do it. But since we can’t tell our children what to do in every situation, what can we do instead? It’s simple: we can just decide what we’re going to do.
For example, our child wants to stay at the playground and we have to leave. One option is to stay as long as the child wants, but that’s not always possible. So? If we have to leave, we let the child know, get ready, gather toys, strollers, and accessories, and help our child make the transition.
‘I know you’re having fun and you’d like us to stay longer. I wish we could be here longer! We have to go, honey, come on.’
Are our children making a fuss in the back seat of the car and distracting us while we’re driving? Can we stop the car and only start it if it’s quiet. And so on.
So to set boundaries, we have to decide what we will do in each case.
What guidelines do we have to know what to allow our child to do and what not?
How can we judge whether something is acceptable while something else is not? Here we must think in each situation about the needs of the situation. If our child is disturbing the people around us on a family outing, we should prevent him from doing so, either by leaving the place, or by keeping him with us the entire time we are there.
The key is not to use our own personal will or desire as a guide in our decision, but what the real needs of the situation are at that moment. Children can easily perceive the difference. If they understand that we are trying to impose our will on them without any real reason, they will resist strongly.
A very important tool that we have in our hands to be firm and not authoritarian is to give our children a choice. ‘Do you want to wear the blue socks or the red ones?’ This of course implies that the child has no choice not to wear socks, but the fact that we give them a choice makes them feel that they have some control over their life and they are much more willing to follow our ‘line’ when they feel that we respect them. It seems to the child that it is their choice to wear socks.
So consistency in our attitude, helping the child with their emotions and constantly assessing the needs of the situation in each situation. We decide what we will do, and not what we will tell the child to do, and we give our child the necessary support to succeed. Whenever we can, we offer a choice. This is a way to set boundaries in a friendly way and for these boundaries to become a way of life for our child, without friction, unnecessary distress and irreparable damage to our relationship with our child.