The I – Message: How to communicate to your child that you don’t like their behavior

The message – I consists of 4 parts:

I describe the behavior

I say how it makes me feel

I state how the behavior affects me

I ask for what I need

For example: ‘When you come into the house with dirty shoes (1), I get surprised and disappointed (2) because I have to go to the trouble of cleaning the floor afterwards (3). I need you to take your shoes off before you come into the house (4).’

It is a nice way to show your child how you feel, and to let him understand what is right in a sweet way.

Alternatively,

“(I) get stressed when I see you come into the house with mud because then I have to clean for a long time.”

Another example,

“(I) get worried when you are out and I call you and you don’t answer.”

This way, you can let your child know that an action they do has an impact on you, without making them feel bad.

It’s different from saying “don’t come into the house with your mud” or “why don’t you answer when I call you?” which are accusatory. The child takes these as an attack, – as if we are telling them that they are doing something wrong.

No one likes to be criticized, and when this happens, they automatically become defensive, so they are not open to hearing what the person they are talking about really needs. With the – I message, they are more likely to listen and try to change their behavior.

An – I message is not enough to solve the problem, of course, but it is an appeal to our interlocutor to start the conversation and find a solution.

After a message – I, we can move on to problem solving with the child, another great technique to solve a difficult problem, or a problem that persists. (link here to problem solving).

So try it with your child, and make it a habit, to communicate your needs in a way that opens the conversation instead of closing it!