21 July 2025
Divorce: how to handle it with children
Reading time 2'
Many times, parents who are also a couple decide to separate. No one creates a family with the intention of separating, but in the course of living together, many circumstances can change and this decision can be made. But what about the children?
For the children, we will always be family, and we will always remain their parents.
How do we announce the divorce to children?
When we are completely sure of our decision, and once we have decided on all the details of the new agreement, we announce the new reality to the children. Preferably, in this discussion, it is good for both parents to be present, and leaving behind any adult differences, we speak to our children with love and empathy and always in language that is in line with their age.
Children are welcome to express their opinion about the new home, depending on which parent will move, and of course we are open to answering any questions or concerns they may have.
The important thing is that the children do not feel in any way that they are to blame for the divorce, or that they are deprived of one of the two parents. Inevitably, even if we do not expect it, the children usually take responsibility for the separation and even feel that they should have done more to keep us together. Which of course is not the case.
What about the sequel?
When things have taken their course and the court, in consultation with our wishes, has decided on all the procedural matters – custody, parental care, vacations, days with each parent, communication with the children – we must respect these decisions first and then our children will set an example.
It is very useful to tell the children what applies from now on so that they know what to expect.
Because children will always seek family reunification, if this is not our intention, we never let it be implied by giving hope to the child.
One way that children use as a lever of pressure is to ask for one parent when they are with the other, on days and times that are not provided for by the court decision. Our job is to recognize the child’s need and accept it, but without succumbing to his will. If we give in, the message the child gets is that “I have the power and responsibility to get my parents back together.” This is not true and is a great burden for a child.
What is most important in this case is to remain calm, to take full responsibility and to make it clear to the child that the responsibility is ours, and to remain both parents active in the child’s life.
If we feel comfortable, we can have joint activities with the other parent at big celebrations, school performances, etc., but always respecting each other’s lives, and of course to grieve. Divorce hides grief that we must experience. It is the end of our family as we knew it until then! If we manage to work with the ex-partner successfully, and avoid any kind of extremes, it is a good lesson for our child who learns how to manage difficult situations and overcome them with the least possible cost.