Why is my child not listening to me?

Let’s start with an inevitable truth. Children don’t listen because they don’t want to listen. They want to play, to have fun, to discover the world. And we tell them that we have to leave the playground, for example, they have to go to sleep, they have to be careful, they have to do this, they have to do that, etc. Here, the desires of children and parents clash. So what is the secret to getting them to listen to us when they don’t want to?

What helps children listen to us, is to recognize their difficulty, every time. To understand and acknowledge the sacrifice they have to make in order to do what we tell them. To “understand” them, in other words.

That’s why effective limit-setting begins with empathy.

‘My love, I understand that you don’t want to leave the playground… I can see that you are having a very good time… The playground is fun.. I know that…’

‘My love, I know that you want to eat the dessert right now (!), but we haven’t eaten our food yet. You’re more hungry for dessert than for food, right? Dessert is yummy.. you’re right.. I like sweets too..’

These words and many others like them, depending on the situation, help children process their disappointment. By understanding them, we also give them the opportunity to express it. When they express it, they manage to overcome it.

‘And now we have to leave the playground.’

‘And now, it’s time for lunch.’

Here, we have deliberately avoided the word ‘but,’ because the word ‘and’ sounds better to the child’s ears; it does not have a negative connotation. When we use “but” it is as if we are undoing what we have said before, as if it were a lie.

So whenever we can, we should replace the word ‘but’ with a simple ‘and.’

When we set the limit, yes, the child can cry, get angry, react strongly and explode. Instead of being afraid of his reaction, we can always stay close to him, and with calmness and understanding, help him calm down too.

Finally, we tell the child what else he can do, if this applies.

‘We can come back tomorrow if you want.’

‘After dinner, you can have your dessert.’

If, by listening and speaking with empathy, the child has felt that we understand him, and still he doesn’t do what we tell him, we can proceed to action. If he doesn’t come with us to leave the playground, we give him a hug and we leave together. If he grabs his candy even though it’s not time to eat it, we simply take it away from his little hands.

Always calmly, without sudden movements, without shouting, without insulting him, etc. Staying calm helps our child to calm down too.

In this way, we teach the child that we mean what we say. We are firm. And usually, the message gets through immediately, such actions don’t need to be repeated often.

Most of the time, however, we won’t even need to proceed to action. And this is because:

The child cares about her relationship to us.

When we treat the child with respect, she respects us too. When we consider her needs and desires, she also considers ours. So how can we ensure a good relationship with our child?

• When in every interaction with him,
• We don’t shout at him
• We don’t put labels on him (you’re lazy, you’re careless, etc.)
• We don’t insult him
• We don’t order him
• We don’t threaten him that if he doesn’t do what we tell him, he will have concequences
• We don’t punish him
• We don’t preach, we don’t offer endless logical explanations
• We don’t bribe him

In short, when we don’t do everything we can to make the child listen to us!

A relationship of mutual respect is the foundation on which the child will learn what is the right behavior in every situation, will be able to explore the world safely and will be able to utilize his countless potentials.

Over time, the child will not do the right thing because we told him to, but because he wants to do the right thing.